Episode 10: A quiet day

Today has been a very quiet and uneventful day.  Max had preschool this morning and Sam, Emily, and I came home to play.  Emily played for a long time on her play mat and Sam and I read books, played ball, and did the dishes.  We picked up Max from preschool and came home for lunch, more books, and rest time.  It's nice to have a quiet day and accomplish a few things around the house!

I'll take advantage of this quiet day to update on what everybody is up to:

Emily (2 1/2 months):
*Loves playing on her play mat
*Grabs objects
*Prefers quiet and cries during loud and chaotic times - startles easily (sorry sister, you're just going to have to get used to it!)
*Gives huge smiles
*Taking 3 hour naps during the day!
*Coos and is very conversational
*Settling down around 9 p.m. (THANK YOU!)
*Working on....sleeping on back, tummy time, sitting in Bumbo (she is not a fan on the floor)

Sam (21 months):
*Can count to 20 (I know!  We were surprised to!)
*Is singing songs (Twinkle, Twinkle, ABC's, Row Row)
*Loves, loves, loves to play ball
*Starting to mimc Max's meltdowns (ick)
*Sits on quiet step for a minute when not listening
*Starting to test more boundaries and tell mommy "no!"
*Loves to read books - he usually is persistant and has one book in mind but will pull all the books off the book shelf to find it
*Loves his daddy!
*Only 1 year old that can say "tarantula" and "Perry the Platypus"
*Working on....no pacis during the day, not screaming at meal times, sharing with Max

Max (4 1/2):
*Loves dramatic music
*Favorite game to play is Perry the Platypus
*More interested in reading books
*Wants to learn to read
*Loves doing projects that are self-led (his idea, not mine)
*Plays fierce cars
*Is starting to add in head (He took 5 bites of hotdog and I told him to take 5 more...without counting he said, "Mom, that would be 10 total bites!")
*Working on:  Quiet voices, not saying "no" to mom or dad, following directions first time, writing "Maxwell"

One of my favorite things is seeing Max and Sam's friendship blossom.  They are starting to play interactively now.  Sam likes to play fierce cars and follows Max's lead :)  They also love to stand by the windows and say "Ready, set, go!" and run together into the couch.  Sam follows Max when they play Perry the Platypus and they go through tunnels and pipes together. 

Emily's awake...there's my cue!!

Episode 9: Helm's Deep

Remember that epic scene in Lord of the Rings with the lighting of the beacons?  In my opinion, its the best scene out of all three movies.  The music soars as the camera races from mountain top to mountain top and chases the light of each beacon in order to warn of an upcoming attack.

I think every stay at home mom needs a hobbit named Pippin and a beacon.  Every time all three children are attacking me with pleas of attention, I would fiercely go tell my Pippin to climb to the top of the tower and light my beacon.  Help would then soon come with fierce sounding trumpets, horses, and a speedy elf, strong dwarf, and fierce brave hero. 

Where did this come from, you ask?  Yes, I do have a secret love for Lord of the Rings but the thought came to me as the boys were dancing to the Lord of the Rings station on Pandora.  It's finally happened.  The boys are growing into small men as there is no more time for Itsy Bitsy Spider or Row, Row Row Your Boat.  Now when we have our dance and movement time during the day, Max requests Schonberg (Les Mis) and Howard Shore (Lord of the Rings).  Sam requests "mean" music and loves the intensity.  Today Sam and Max threw all the pillows from the couch on the floor and jumped on them pretending they were snakes.  Emily didn't like the commotion and screamed through it. (Pippin, Pippin....light the beacon!)

On top of fighting epic battles, we:

Auditioned for American Idol with Twinkle, Twinkle

 Emily napped

 Sang some more

 Played fierce cars

 Had Calendar and Learning Time

 Ate Elmo

 Emily chose the color purple - she loved it! (I missed the big smile)

 Did more calendar

 And ate grapes

Okay, so its not quite the battle of Helm's Deep today BUT if Gandalf and Shadowfax ever want to arrive to rescue me, I'd welcome them with open arms!!

Episode 8: The Dreaded Invasion

I have not blogged this week due to the nasty and dreaded invasion of the stomach flu.  Poor Sammy woke up from his nap on Monday and was the first victim.  Max and I followed him by Thursday and somehow Emily, Paul, and my mom have so far been unaffected.  My mom was thankfull here to help with some dr's appointments that never happened due to the virus.  I was so thankful!!  We never would have made it through without Paul and my mom's tireless help.  My mom went home exhausted today.  What would we do without our mamas??
I will spare all readers the details of our week.  Let's face it, nobody wants to hear about it and there really were no comical moments that I wish to ever recall again!!
I hope to get back on track next week :)

Episode 7: Move over Robert Frost!

Last night was another rough one.  Emily had a stuffy nose and was unsettled and unable to breathe through her nose for most of the night.  I slept for only a few short hours so my lovely husband allowed me to sleep in for extra half hour AND shower....BONUS!!  I think he was too terrified to wake me up in fear that momzilla would appear.


We had a stay at home day today and the morning was full of activities.  Here is the photographic recap of our morning:

Max played playdoh

 

 Sam growled at me.

 

Sam pushed Emily in her swing

While I ate a delicious huge bowl of Greek Yogurt and granola (yes, eliminating dairy lasted 4 hours)

Then the real learning began!  I decided to introduce Max to the Venn Diagram using puff balls.  We put red puff balls on one side and sparkly puff balls on the other side.  The middle was of course red sparkly puff balls.  Max did great and caught on right away!  He even drew his own circle for pink puff balls and then wanted to add pink sparkly puff balls to the middle.



 



Sam colored while we worked. He told me he colored a grasshopper.

We then strung Cheerios on pipe cleaners to hang on branches outside.  We talked about why birds had to search extra hard for food in winter.

Sam of course thought he was the bird.

 

Max found our advent calendar and was flipping through the pictures retelling the Nativity Story.  It was then heard him say, "And then the king of the night rode the camel of light."  Move over Robert Frost!  We have a poet in the house!  I'm putting my hope in Max to buy me that gorgeous mansion I have my eye on...keep rhyming baby!!

 

 

Emily worked out a lot today and has been very conversational.  She's going to be a vocal lady!  After an afternoon of cleaning and an eveningof America's Top Model while rocking Emily....its a wrap!!



Episode 6: Hot dog buns and door bells

Currently the house is amazingly quiet.  Max is at a friend's house this afternoon for a playdate and Sam and Emily are both sleeping.  Emily fell asleep on her playmat while working out  (on her back!) so I'm thinking that's a good sign the Mylicon drops are working :)

Today was another preschool day and the morning started off too early with too much action (like always).  I didn't get my coffee until the ride to preschool so I can't tell you anything that happened before that...too foggy!
Since we were running short on time, I was going to grab a bagel for the ride but saw that my ravenous boys already devoured the last of my breakfast source.  I grabbed the next best thing...a hot dog bun.  Then fortunately remembering my boys' love for carbs, I grabbed two more.  They were ecastic about the surprise after-breakfast snack.  We happily munched on our hot dog buns while Max and I played the numbers and coutning game.  Sam said, "ding dong!  Come on in!" the whole ride to school (25 minutes).  With his tummy full of hot dog bun and mind full of numbers, Max happily bounced off to school.

Sam, Emily, and I came home for a short while and then went to Miss Jen's house so Sam and Emerson could play together.  They colored pictures together while Jen scrubbed her furniture with wipes (major nesting going on there!).  The kids love playing and I'm so appreciative to go to just a calm, relaxing environment with a great friend!!!

Then we picked up Max from school, grabbed lunch, and Max went over to Sam's.  He was delighted to go on his playdate.  I'm cherishing every minute of this quiet time but secretly miss the normal hustle and bustle that Max brings to the house :)

Whooooo loves you??

Me!!

Post 5: Three kids are a lot!

We all woke up in moods today.  Well, everybody but Paul and Sam.  Paul never wakes up in a mood.  In fact, has Paul ever been crabby?  Emily had fussed late into the night and woke up several times so I was feeling a bit tired.  Max was wanting a breakfast fit for a queen for breakfast and just couldn't accept a dry piece toast with jelly on it...really...the torture we put him through!  Sam bounced around from room to room content with his paci and Elmo.  Emily decided to tell us she wasn't thrilled with the morning either through her shrill cries.

So I had a decision to make...either make it a laid back day at home or busy morning out so we didn't even notice if we were crabby.  I decided on the latter and planned a trip to Target and the Indoor Playground again.  As we were getting ready and Max was being a bit slow in complying with my directions, I explained to him how he had to be my helper and get his coat and shoes on right away by himself to help us go faster.  I told him I had three kids to get ready and so he could really help me.  Max's response was, "Wow, mom, three kids are kinda a lot, don't you think?"
Yes, Max.  Yes.

We ventured off to Target already behind schedule with a list of 4 things to purchase (dishwasher dtg, Mylicon drops, formula for "oh no, mommy is not around!" times, and a Circo choo choo train for Max if he continued being my big helper.
With Sam strapped in the front of the cart, Emily in her carseat in the mainpart of the cart, and Max holding on to the back of the cart we zoomed through Target in search of those 4 items.  I again was told, "Wow, you have a lot of children."  Yes. Yes, I know.

After we checked out with our 4 items that somehow reproduced into 10 items we jumped back in the van to run back home to grab the cash we forgot and pull out of the driveway to head to the indoor playground when I spotted a garbage can that was not our own.  Back to the driveway we went and out came the garbage can for garbage day...phew.  Then it was off to the indoor playground.

Everybody had my great idea of going to the indoor playground and it was crazy but fun!  I shudder at the germs I exposed my kids to as I could spot the thousands of viruses crawling around but the boys had tons of fun.  Emily slept through it all.  Max found a friend, Dain, and they pretended that Sam was a shark and they were on boats.  Max and Dain ran round jumping, running, rolling around to get away from the shark.  Sam thought it was great fun (he had a ball).   I'm very proud of Max in social situations.  He makes friends very easily and gets a long so well with them.  He was zooming around on a bike when a child came and tried to steal it from him.  Mommy moment!  What to do?  Max technically had it first but this boy was being relentless in wanting it.  So I found another bike to give to the other boy.  This boy was really loving Max's bike and told me, "No!"  Well, I've heard that before, buddy!  So I subtly turned Max's wheel and whispered "Go!"  Max quietly zoomed away while the boy was protesting to me.  As soon as Max was gone, he jumped on the other bike and was content....maybe not the best mommy moment for me, but crisis averted!

Okay!  Emily's fussing so that's my cue!  Later!

Episode 4: Just a Day

(This is from yesterday...Tuesday, January 22nd).

Tuesday was a fairly normal day without a lot of hiccups.  The tornado twisted through our house as we got all three breakfast, dressed, bundled up, in carseats, and out the door for preschool.  Sam, Emily, and I dropped off some donations at Goodwill and returned our library books.  We then went for a spontaneous playdate with Miss Jen and Emerson and their house.  Sam enjoyed eating Cheetos and playing with princesses and make-up with Emerson.  Yes, Paul, I let this happen...no worries.  He had no clue where to properly apply the make-up :D
We returned home for a delicious lunch of sandwiches, bluberries, and snow peas.  Sam ate an entire container of Chobani Greek yogurt in addition.  The boys are insatiable lately and nonstop eaters!

(I had pictures of today but they are missing!  I am a concrete learner with computers and if the pictures are not where I know how to use them, they are as good as gone!  So you can imagine our day :)

All three children had rest time and then we built a fantastic train track with tunnels and bridges.  Max and Paul zoomed off to basketball practice after supper and had a wonderful time meeting his new coach, new team members, and practicing drills.  I'm just relieved he came home calling it "basketball" instead of "soccerball" and learning that he threw the basketball instead of kicking it...phew!!

There are wonderful photos of this adventure on FB!

Not too much to report today and sorry about the lack of photos!!  M

Episode 3: Cell Phone Confusion

Today is going to be a flurry of words VERY fast because it is GORGEOUS outside and I need to get the kids back outside today :)

This morning started off with Max peeking out of his bedroom saying, "Mom!  It's light out!"  Sure enough, I opened my eyes and it was bright.  I immediately knew something was wrong and Paul flew out of bed and reported that it was 7:45!!  After making sure that the other two were still breathing we smiled and rejoiced two things 1) we slept in!  2) we had no where to be...phew!

Today we went to the Imagination Playground at the Pioneer Columbus Reacreation Center.  It's a big gym filled with toys for kids to run around and have fun.  As we were gettling ready to leave I expereinced cell phone confusion.  For those of you who don't know what this is, here's the definition. 
Cell phone confusion:  The act of placing your cell phone in you back pocket and when it rings, you run around in circles trying to locate your phone - especially when spinning fast after a cup of coffee
After finding my phone (in my pocket) and confirming our playdate with friends we were off the rec center!
Max was delighted to get out of the house.

At the rec center we met up with Pam, Jen, Jenn, and Kim.  The kids had a blast running around and expelling energy.
This is one of those places where you have to make the decision about being a hermit or getting out and letting your kids be exposed to germs of every kind.  I had to restrain myself from jumping over a sea of kids to remove Max's thumb from his mouth, but I'm proud to say I managed.  After soaking my children's hands in hand sanitizer ever two minutes, I allowed myself to relax and enjoy the moment.  They were delighted to run around and play with other children.

I mean, really, look at their smiles.  I cannot deny them this time to run and play!  If I won the lottery, I would build a huge gym with toys for winter months.  There's nothing more that would make this mama happy!  I'm a firm believer that kids need to get out and play and RUN!  They were not created to sit down and be quiet. 

Then we called Paul and asked if he could meet us for a surprise lunch.  He agreed!  We went to the Cubs Club at the baseball stadium where it overlooked the baseball field.  Max was greatly disappointed that the baseball players weren't out but enjoyed the experience and a french fry or two :)  Sam thought it was a real treat to see his daddy during the day.  After a successful lunch of only two spilled waters, we headed home.

Max and I decided Emily needed a photo shoot since she turns TWO months today!! After taking over 200 photos, it is time to put the computer away and go outside and play! More cute photos of Emmy coming up!!

 

Episode 2: The Playdate

Today was a preschool day which means a bit more activity in the morning as we get everybody ready for school.  The drive to school started off rocky this morning.  Max decided to have a meltdown about wanting to go to school.  In the back of the van he cried, "I want to go to school, I want to go to school!  I won't calm down until we go to school!"  We were going to school.   There was some disconnect there.  I think he wanted to hear his own voice.  Sam wanted his "two pa's" (two pacifiers - one in mouth and one in hand) and said "two pa's, two pa's, two pa's"  and Emily protested the ride by crying.  This is when I whip out the Little People CD for desperate times...track 10.  I jacked up the volume and sang again and again, "The wheels on the bus go round and round!"  This got us to school.  Thank you to the person who was as desperate as me to write a song about a bus.

After dropping Max off at school, we eagerly rushed home for a playdate with Jen Owens and Emerson.  Playdates are my favorite part of staying home.  Really they are more for the moms than the children if we're honest.   Now many husbands think that playdages entail moms sitting around nibbling on muffins and sipping lattes.  That is rarely the case.  Usually as a mom, I am desperately trying to keep my kids under control so we don't have any embarrassing scenes.  However today was a rare day :)  I got to enjoy wonderful conversation at 100 miles a minute with my friend Jen as we started about 50 different topics to catch up with everything that has happened since the last time we chatted.

Then it was off to school to fetch Max.   Sam decided to take the lid off his snack container and sprinkle the van with ABC's but at least he was happy.  Max joyfully bounced in the van to join us after a great day of painting polar bears and playing outside at school.  Oh, and Max said the sink ran out of power but Miss Linda fixed it....she's amazing.

Then is the crazy part of the day....lunch.  As soon as we get home Emily, Sam, and Max want to all eat at the same time.  After taking off winter attire, feeding Emily, and fixing lunch we are finally ready to sit down for lunch.

The funny part of the lunch was when Sam started screaming and I asked him what he wanted.  His response was, "Milk and Cookies!"  (only funny to Paul...)
However, it resulted in the quiet step as the screaming continued...

After dealing with a plugged toliet and toddler wanting to try going potty again and again we settled down for rest time.....and a playdate soon to come!  What a great day!!

Episode 1: Sprinkles Spectacular

Today started off with a trip to the ear doctor to check on Sam's tubes.  We were delighted to hear that Sam passed his hearing test in both ears.  In addition, both tubes fell out so we no longer need to visit the ENT...praises!

We came home and immediately started a round of gymnastics as the boys showed off their talents with jumping off the fireplace mantel and doing somersaults around the living room while I fed Emily.  This is a daily occurence. 

Then the fun began!!  Max decided he wanted to do a project so we dug out the Valentines' Day crafts and matched hearts to their corresponding color on the rainbow.  Max thought this was a lot of fun.  Sam ate marker tips while we proceeded.  Emily kept waking up as I insisted on her sleeping in her bassinet for her morning nap.

 

After working on his rainbow, Max decided he wanted to make Valentines using hearts and "sprinkles" (glitter) like on Caillou.  I thought this sounded fun too and grabbed the hearts and glue.  Max started digging through my cupboard.  His idea of sprinkles really meant sprinkles as he found the container of Christmas sprinkles I meant to use for decorating cookies.  I decided to let him go for it as it had the same mess factor as glitter and we got out our glue to get busy.  Here's the result:

Lesson learned:  Don't use candy sprinkles in art projects.  They eat them.  The glue, the paper, the sprinkles...everything.  Can you tell we limit sweets at our house?  They are DESPERATE for sugar!
After the food dye started running down their chins and hands we of course had to follow up with this:

Water Play!

This of course resulted in the boys getting a hold of the sprayer and getting each other soaked...so while I was cleaning up the sprinkle mess, they decorated themselves and the kitchen with water.  At this point it was lunch time followed by books and rest time.

 

  Here's what our living room typically looks like at the end of the morning...so...when you come home and see it all nice and picked up....know it didn't stay that way!

 

 





After allowing myself a technology induglgence of facebook, e-mail (and now blogging!) I tackle cleaning the house...just to start over again after naps :)

Reality Blog - starring Kristie, Max, Sam, and Emily

Shhhh....I'm secretly supposed to be making lunch for the boys but I'm blogging.....my new adventure.   BUSTED!
A crying infant who was chewing through her swaddle blanket to desperately find a milk source stopped from my blogging experience.  This was quickly followed by a toddler (Sam I am!) who smacked his head with Emily's toy and left a giant welt on his head accompanied by a flow of tears.  As I nursed Emily, Sam found comfort in sucking on Emily's pacifiers and chewing on Emily's nasal aspirator.  Disgusting...but who said reality programs were pretty! 

So this brings me to why I'm starting the Blogging Reality adventure.  You don't need 8 children to have a reality tv show and provide entertainment.   I am documenting and posting these moments for two main reasons:
1) To not forget these days as everyone keeps telling me that these years fly by
2) For my dear, loving husband

 

Paul comes home on a daily basis and asks us, "How was your day?"  "What did you do today?"  All of us look at him with this zombie look and respond "Fine"  or maybe "Good, we went to the zoo" (but the latter response is only if I had a 2nd cup of coffee in the afternoon).  Paul loves his children dearly and I feel bad that he misses out on so many of the moments. 

So here I am to report the good, bad, and ugly!  Never do I want this blog to become a brag session, complain session, or gloating session.  In the good, all the glory goes to God...only God can give me the patience and wisdom to raise my children in a Christ like way. 

Paul - instead of trying to put together a great Father's day project of our day (which you know would never happen - you're lucky to get a card!), I'm doing this blog mostly for you.  It will include pictures and glimpses of the good, bad, and ugly of our day.  When you retire to your oasis of the basement at the end of a long day, you will finally know what truly happened in our day.  The truth is that what happened are three beautiful blessings - that so graciously give us our purpose, life, and love.
Love you babe!

My Angel Baby

Today, October 15th is Stillbirth and Infant Loss day.  Its a day to stop and reflect and remember the beautiful children that we never met, never saw, never held, or never had the chance to take home.  Its a day to hold onto the small and few memories we have of the children that are a part of our family but so unreachable and far away.

This is my story.  For three years I've pushed these memories out of my mind.  I don't deal with sad stuff on my own very well.  I don't know how to grieve.  I like to be happy.  I push the sad down to somewhere deep.  It doesn't go away but I can cover it up.  After jumping onto facebook and learning about the special day today, I decided its time to go down deep, grab those sad feelings, cry a little bit, and remember my angel baby.  After all, Paul and I made her with the hand of God.  She is not to repressed but celebrated and remembered.

It was late January.  Paul and I had a sad and busy month as we said goodbye to Paul's beloved aunt.  Shortly after the funeral, I learned I was pregnant.  It was a traditional story where I just knew I was, bought the test, and tested early in the morning.  I was delighted to share the news with Paul but waited a couple days because I wanted to plan the perfect way.  At that point we had our beautiful boy Max who was about 18 months.  I couldn't wait to grow our family.

The next morning I woke up with the dreaded stomach flu.  Paul stayed home from work as I was sick all morning long.  On complete impulse, I blurted out the news to Paul when he came to check on me in bed.  We were so happy and spent the rest of the day talking about adding to our sweet family.

The next few weeks flew by.  Before I knew it my 10 week OB appointment was already here.  Paul was unable to go so I went by myself.  At that point, there was no ultrasound planned that early in pregnancy.  The doctor did her routine check up and even searched for the heartbeat.  She couldn't detect the heart beat but said she wasn't concerned at all.  She said it was just too early to hear it.  She did ask that I come back the next day for an ultrasound.  Paul arranged to go with me.

We went the next day a bit nervous but not talking about the possibilities.  The next few moments are a blur in my memory.  The technician of course called me back and conducted the ultrasound.  It didn't take her long and she simply said, "No, there is no heartbeat.  I'm sorry."  And with that, she turned off the machine.  That's when I felt tunnel vision.  Everything on the edges went black as I felt numb and shock at the news.  When she asked me if I wanted a photo of my baby, I was so angry at her and blurted out, "no".  I remember thinking, "Why would I want a photo of this horrible moment."  That was my biggest biggest regret.  I now realize she wasn't trying to capture death but give me the only thing I had to remember my baby's life.  Due to my hasty decision, I have nothing to hold onto, touch, or feel from my angel baby.

We of course met with the doctor.  Even though I didn't want Paul to touch, talk, or even look at me, I was glad he was there.  (That's just how I deal with sadness...I want to completely isolate myself).  The doctor said she wanted to conduct a D&C because the ultrasound showed that our baby died at 7 weeks.  She said that the baby did have a heartbeat but something happened and we lost her at that point.  Therefore, it had been three weeks and I still hadn't naturally miscarried.  The doctor explained the risk of infection was high and wanted to conduct the D&C the next day.  I couldn't make a decision.  For real...I just found out I lost my baby and now this?  It was too much to handle.  I just shook my head no.  She said I had until Monday and then would require the procedure.  Paul asked if there was any chance there was a mistake...she said no.

I sobbed the whole way home in the car.  I was by myself and I was so glad.  I wanted to be alone and just cry.  When I got home, I went to my room and crawled into bed and went to a deep and dark place.  I remember a dear friend stopped by with ice cream and chocolate.  She knew what had happened because she had been babysitting Max during the ultrasound.  I didn't want to eat...I didn't want to talk.  She didn't ask questions about what happened but she was there for me.  Even though I didn't want her there, I will always remember she was there in person and I love her for that.  She did give me a hug and tell me something I will never forget as she left. She said, "Kristie...I don't know if you are ever going to have a baby again.  But I do know you will somehow be a mother again."  I loved her for those words. 

The next day I knew I had to get a D&C.  I couldn't stand the feeling of carrying around the baby I had lost.  I wanted it to be over.  Not because it was creepy but because I felt like a failure.  I wanted her to be free of me and go to heaven with Jesus where he could take better care of her than me.  I called Paul and told him I wanted the D&C.  I got one scheduled for the following day.

Paul drove me early the next morning to Lutheran Hospital.  I filled out the paperwork and sat in this dingy waiting room while they called my name.  Paul and I went back to the pre-op place where they did routine doctor things.  I remember the Today show being on and wondering how strange it felt that this was such a normal day for everyone else.  We didn't talk much about our baby.  WE talked about trivial things and tried to keep it light.  Why were we being so strong?  We smiled at the nurses and engaged in small talk.  Nobody mentioned much about what happened.  When it was time for the procedure Paul and I said goodbye to our baby...

I remember waiting on the table and finally crying...silently...but real tears.  The nurses bustled about, laughing, and talking about their mornings.  I was so alone and I hated it then.  I wanted Paul.  When the nurses realized I was upset, they said, "Let's just hurry this up...it will soon be over..."

I woke up from surgery calling out, "Max!  Max!  Max!"  I don't know if I had a dream about him or was just holding onto what I had.  The nurse asked me who Max was and I told him it was my little boy.  In my grogginess, I opened up to her and pleaded with her to tell me that my baby girl was in heaven.  The nurse started crying and held my hand.  We cried together and she told me my baby girl was safe with Jesus in heaven.  The nurse was a beautiful person and I will never forget her kindness.

And then I went home.  We didn't talk about her.  We don't celebrate her birthday, the day I lost her, or her due date.  We don't have anything to remember her by.  And we still don't talk about her.  Our children don't even know about her.  I'm ready to break down those walls.  She is our child.  I didn't get to hold her, count her toes, rock her to sleep, or listen to her breathe.  But she is a part of our family.  We have 4 children.  Three with us today and one with Jesus. 

And she you ask?  A baby girl?  They do test to see what gender your baby is.  I chose not to ask.  Because I knew deep down....she was a little baby girl.

So I want to give my baby girl two days to make up for this lost time.  March 13th is the day we lost her.  That will be a day of remembrance, grieving, and crying.  And that's okay.  This March we are going to plant something to remember her by.  Maybe a flowering tree or maybe some daffodils.  But October 4th (her due date).  That will be a day to celebrate with the family.  It will be a day to celebrate a birthday...of our child.  We will have balloons, cake, and smile through the day.  And it will be an extra reminder to hold on tight to our three beautiful children with us.

I also want to thank another special friend - Kerry.  She found out what happened and went on a walk with me a few months later.  Kerry lost a baby much further along.  We shared stories and she gave me a huge hug.  I will never forget that walk or moments of kindness.

We do need to talk about this.  Yes, its common.  Several of my friends have had miscarriages or still births.  It breaks my heart.  I am so glad people open up and talk about it because our babies stories need to be heard. 

For at least six months after our miscarriage I begged, pleaded, and asked Jesus to have me dream of our baby girl.  Any image...a baby, a girl, a woman...just something remember and know about.  Jesus didn't answer that prayer - well - at least the way I wanted him to.  But I haven't stopped praying.  Whether I will meet her in my dreams or in heaven...I will meet her.  And oh how I will hug her.

Daffodils are the flower of March.  It means "unequaled love".  Ironically it also means "rebirth".  While my baby can't be reborn...her memories can.  The hidden meaning for the daffodil in the Victorian era is "You are my angel".  How beautiful.  My angel baby.